First half marathon

6-12 months before the race:
Mind: 'We could go for a walk/run?'
Body: 'No, no, no.. Hell no. Look how nice it is to be in horizontal position and watch TV/play games/read book/look in this super interesting spider creeping on the wall... I can see where this is going.'
Mind: 'Come on. You are fat, ugly and totally out of shape. I heard that you are capable for extraordinary things!'
Body: 'Oh, fuck you very much. You know that I am sucker for compliments. OK, one short walk is all you get.'
So with extraordinary effort, not used to any kind of activity, you make yourself get out of bed and go for walk/run kind of thing.

5-9 months before the race:
Mind: 'I told you it would be great.'
Body: 'Ha! I am in great shape. Nobody can stop me!!!'
Mind. 'You know, all of these people are training for races. Maybe we could try that.'
Body: 'FUCK THEM, WE ARE THE BEST!!!! FUCK ALL THE REST!!!!!! LET'S GOOOOO!!!!!!'

3-4 months before the race:
Mind & body: 'Now is the time to step it up. We shall go as fast and as far as possible! And we are gonna do it every day!!! Nobody can stop us!!!'

1 month before the race:
Body: 'Khmmm....'
Mind: 'Yes?'
Body: 'I'm a bit tired'
Mind: 'Don't be a woos.'
Body (after few days): 'Fuck you and fuck this shit...'
(check post about overtraining)

Day of the race:
Mind and body: 'Hey-ho, let's go!' 

First 5k:
Mind: 'Oh, yes, yes, yes! Here we go now!!! Just stay with the lead pack!!!! Victory here we come!!!!'
Body: 'I am not so sure about that... As you can see we are going 45 sec slower than our planed pace and our heart rate is 286 bpm, so...'
Mind: 'Blablabla... Finally we are here!!!! Look at all these runners!!!! Look at all the decorations!!! Hear the cheering of spectators!!! This is it! THIS IS IT!!!!!'

5k-10k:
Mind & body: 'OK it is a bit tough but we can pull it out! We are warriors!'

10k-15k:
Mind: 'We are so fucked up.. so fucked up...'
Body: 'Yep!'
Mind: 'Oh here is the water station! That could help. Let's water-board ourselves!!!'
Body: 'Gulp gasp gulp.. Fuck you and your idiotic ideas!'

15k-18k:
Mind & body: '-------' (silence....the only sound is the thumping of your feet...)

18k-21k (or as I like to call it 'HELL')
Mind: 'Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!'
Body: 'Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!'
Unknown force (aka the true soul of the runner): 'WE SHALL FINISH THIS, EVEN IF WE HAVE TO CRAWL TO THE FINISH LINE!!!! (in the sound of very deep and overwhelming voice of God almighty).
Mind & body: 'YES SIR! (but we are not happy *sigh*)'

Finish line:
Mind & body: 'What? Why? I can stop running now? Where? How? I am a bit confused... An apple? For me? Awwwww! You are so kind!!! Fuck the medal, apple is the one and only reward I want right now!!! I love you apple so much!!! You are the sweetest things I have ever eaten!...'
Mind & body (after few minutes of pulling yourself together): 'NEVER AGAIN!'
Unknown force: 'We shall see about that...'

Summer running equipment - must have

Nothing!
But that would be a bit awkward, so next best thing is as little as possible (Thongs perhaps? No? Still Awkward? Unless you are a girl? or Channing Tatum?! OK, moving on..)  ;)
Then something thin! Very thin!!! But not see through!!!! Think of belly dancers' silky outfit. Also awkward? God dammit...

Then socks. :D I had to start with this. Don't know why. Voices told me. :) Anyhow socks... think of some technical material: dri-fit, climacool or something like that. You will sweat like a pig. In rain forest. In sauna. So... blisters, they're gonna get you. Technical socks help.

Running shoes are also good idea.

Moving up. :)) Shorts, don't have to be too short, 5-7 inches works great for me, not too long, not too short. Also from technical material. I like to avoid tights, cause as much air as possible is most welcome in that region.

Altogether avoid cotton as much as possible as it will get drench in sweat (check part with pig in rain forest in sauna) and then it will become heavy and wet and then starts hell called chafing. And nipples. Blood. THE PAIN!  Nipples are very tender and don't like to be rubbed with wet harsh cotton apparently. Avoid that by any means possible. It won't be fun. Even if you think that kind of stuff are fun, trust me, they won't be. Underlined and bold! NOT FUN!

Bandages and body glide/vaseline are huge help but if you find your self lubed and glued with bandages from neck down wearing thong wrapped with silk scarf you are probably over doing it, so go home and rethink your life..
 
Moving on. T-shirt (technical material, thin, bla, bla...)... Only one thing is crucial regarding tops: it absolutely has to be FLUORESCENT YELLOW color! ;) When you go out and shine brighter than the Sun then you are invincible!!! Take that, Sun and heat!! :D

Aha... Hat, sunglasses, whatever to your forever I shine brighter than the Sun!

For girls:
I don't know. I am not a girl, and only the God knows the ways of the girls so belly dancer outfit with thongs or Princess Leia outfit from Star Wars it is... ;)

Long run - slow but certain path to insanity

First of all, let me say that I am writing this after my horribly difficult long run. From 2:16:00 minutes of running I have spent about 2:16:00 contemplating about life and everything. So here it goes... minute by minute:

1. This is going to be long
2. and boring
3. I will probably go insane.
4. I hate long runs. They are inhuman!
5. OK, pull yourself together. Think positive!
6. It was super smart to go for a run without music. Super! smart!
7. I am bored.
8. Oh, for fuck sake I still have to run for another 2 hours and 12 minutes.
9. I think I am getting depressed...
10. OK, stop whining, there is no escape from this.
11. Because I am not a loser.
12. I am A WINNER!
13. That is what I am.
14. So fuck you, long runs! I am a winner!!!!!
15. This really will never end, will it?
16. Why am I doing this?
17. Why?
18. How in the name of Jesus I thought that this would be a good idea.
19. Fuck you running!
20. Why is it so hot?
21. Why is it so humid?
22. How do people do this?
23. It is a bit windy.
24. I am a bit hungry.
25. I will definitely burn one trillion calories and then I can eat all of the food in the world.
26. And even that won't be enough to justify this shit...
27. I think that I am better than the Kenyan elite runners, I mean there is no way that anyone could run more than this.
28. Aha! People are looking at me, that means that they are impressed how professional I look.
29. Nope, just the bug got stuck on my sweaty forehead.
30. 30 MINUTES!!?!?!??!?!?
31. 30 FUCKING MINUTES!?!?!?!??!?! you my friend (running watch) are lying!!! I am almost sure that I am running for at least 1 hour and 45 minutes! At least...
32. OK, I am definitely hungry.
33. Why would anyone do this to himself? Why?
34. I am almost sure I have a psychology of insane person, because you can not be normal and do this to yourself.
35. Well hello there nice doggy, are you gonna be my friend and run with me?
36. AAAAAAARGH.. don't bite me!!!!
37. Ufff pace 2:30, very nice indeed.
38. Hmmmm if I could make the dogs chase me for 2 hours this whole thing would be much more interesting.
39. Would people look at me funny if I would run with peace of meat glued to my ass?!
40. Mah, who am I kidding I would just lie down and let them eat me.
41. OK, you have to be strong! Will power! Eye of the Tiger!  Arrrrggghh
42. I got nothing.
43. Maybe a tiger could chase me?!
44. Probably not cause they are lazy cats and I am victory.
45. I really, really don't like this long and boring shit.
46. OK one third done.
47. See, that wasn't that bad.
48. Wait you mean I have to do this two more times?!
49. At least no blisters and chafing so far.
50. Don't get your hopes high, they will come and then you will cry.
51. Like a baby.
52. I am so sweaty that I think no one would see my cry.
53. Yeah, they can not tell the difference between tear drop and drop of sweat.
54. OK, they can tell, don't look at me, I am under medication and a doctor said it will be OK.
55. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
56. For fuck sake stop crying.
57. Pull yourself together.
58. No we are not going through the woods.
59. Because you want to go there so no one can see you cry.
60. Wooooohoooo!!! One hour of running.
61. Victoryyyyy!!!!!
62. This is not even half.
63. Life is like a box of chocolate, you think that long run would be a good idea and then you bite a piece of shit.
64. And to think that I could be lying on my bed in front of a TV, with chocolate milk.
65. I wonder did my parents notice the beginning of this mental disorder when I was young.
66. Probably they did...
67. What was that?
68. Ah chafing, my old friend... let the hell begin.
69. And the nipples...oh yes... :/
70. Where are the blisters?
71. Here they are.
72. I missed you all...
73. NOT!!!!!!
74. I will embrace the pain.
75. Buhahahahaha aaaaaa
76. Why am I so sensitive?? Why??? Leonida from 300 didn't put up with this kind of shit... I can't imagine him going: 'guys we are marching for 2 hours and my nipples are bloody. Let's take a nap.'
77. I am so hungry that I could eat an elephant.
78. Stuffed with pigs and camels.
79. And drape my body in hot chocolate.
80. Why would I do that?
81. I don't know, I really don't...
82. It took me 8 minutes to run last minute.
83. I am going berserk.
84. Never again! Never!
85. Apparently this road is made of steep hill, the wind is blowing with hurricane level 8 force, temperature is almost like on the sun surface and the humidity is like in the rain forest. On top of all that I am starving to death.
86. I could take a nap on this bench. I read somewhere that you can run less to run more and that it is OK to take short breaks, so 45 minutes of nap time here I come.
87. No grandma I don't need ambulance, I just stopped to pull myself together.
88. I DIDN'T PASS OUT! LEAVE ME ALONE.
89. OK me, myself and the stinking road again.
90. HA HA HA! (insane laughter) FUCK YOU ALL! RUNNING FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF! TAKE THAT YOU OTHER PEOPLE!
91. three quarters finished! :D
92. BUHAHAHHAHAA!!!!!!!!! lalalalalalalalalalaaaaa
93. happy, happy, happy!!!! :)
94. Nope, only two thirds.....
95. Fuck math.
96. OMG, 46 minutes more, how? WHY? The time has slowed down! Fuck you all, you people that are into physics! There is a black hole, wormhole or whatever thingy, which makes time immediately slow down and you are trapped in time vortex when you go for a long run!!!
97. They say there are no lies on the road when you run! Long run just looks at you and says: 'I'm gonna fuck you up from the top of your head to your toenail.'
98. My toenail just fell off... :(
99. And it was my last one.
100. I am so stupid! So fucking stupid!
101. What was I thinking?
102. Idea for your next blog post: 'Why I hate fucking long runs!'
103. Idea no. 2 for my blog: 'Why I like short to medium runs!'
104. Because they are shorter then long runs!!!!!!!!!!!
105. 5 more minutes and I am in the last half of hour.
106. OK I can do this.
107. And I should do this for 42,2 k ?!?!?!?!?!
108. That is around 4 hours.
109. OK that is just not possible.
110. There is no way.
111. How can anybody...
112. OK focus on here and now!
113. 7 more minutes to two hours.
114. 6 more minutes to two hours.
115. 5,5 more minutes to two hours.
116. Stop it!
117. Fine! 500 meters to two hours.
118. 436 meters to two hours.
119. ONE MORE MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!
120. WUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
121. What a great success!
122. You are a terrific person!
123. You can do anything!
124. O, for fuck sake, I still have to get to my car.
125. Fuck running, fuck running, fuck running.......
126. Running is good, running is this, running is that.. blah... liars...
127. Maybe someone could give me a lift to my car.
128. I. JUST. WANT. TO. GET. TO. MY. CAR.
129. And go home.
130. In my bed.
131. With my teddy bear.
132. And never, ever leave my bed again.
133. NEVER!
134. EVER!
135. 23 KILOMETRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
136. WUHUHUHUHUUUUUUU!!!!! THAT IS IT!!!!!!!!!! CAR IS HERE (I love you so, so much)!!!!!!!!!! I AM A WINNER!!!!!!!!!! This was not bad at all!!! See you next Saturday, my old friend, long run!!!!! WUHUHUHUHHUHUU, BED AND FOOD HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LALALALALALALA - HAHAHAHA (insanely singing and laughing)